Team Bonding: IG Model Claims She “Orally Pleased” 7 Phoenix Suns Players

You might remember the article I wrote about the fact that players in their bubbles need to uhh… “release”

Never. Ever. Not in a million years. Would I expect this story to come out of that same idea (awful choice of words).

Apparently, some IG model named Aliza was snuck into the Suns Hotel and felatioed, gave felatio, uhhh screw it. She blew 7 Suns players at the same time.

Note. The Celtics chose to play dodgeball and bowl together for bonding. The Suns got simultaneous head. One of those teams went undefeated. They also, didn’t make the playoffs so you win some you lose some.

There’s not much else to say about this whole situation so I’m going to list off some James jokes.

-I bet the Suns thought they would only be tested for COVID, boy were they wrong!

– I guess you can call them the rising Suns. (Boner joke)

-I wonder who called her over, who do you think was the Booker. 👀

-its a shame they didn’t make the playoffs, that really Blows.

Better Late Than Never; My Thoughts On Cam Newton

With the New England Patriots signing Cam Newton, most fans were excited for the addition of a “veteran” Quarterback joining the team. On the other side was me; cringing with the fact that my two worst nightmares came true. First was of course Tom Brady leaving, second was the Pats bringing in Cam Newton as a replacement. However, I’ve had some time to sit and think and I’m here to express my opinions on the matter and that Cam Newton will be either a boom or a bust candidate for the Patriots.

I’ve been pretty vocal with my thoughts on Cam Newton in the past, and I still stand by my arguments to an extent, but I do feel if handled the right way, Cam Newton can be a great addition to the Patriots. In previous years, offenses revolved around Newton. Newton saw himself as a one-man show and that was that. Numerous times, I was disgusted at the fact that receivers would be wide-open down field and yet Newton still ran the ball himself. Granted my bias comes from the fact that I’m not a big running-qb man, but I still feel strongly as though the Panthers offense wasn’t clockwork, it was what Newton felt like doing on that play. I think that led to the arrogance that I personally despised out of Newton. I hated him on the field, and more off the field. I thought he was a cocky douchebag who thought the world revolves around him. However, on the Patriots, none of what I mentioned above will stand.

On the Patriots, “Do Your Job” isn’t just a motto, it’s the way of life and how the Patriots achieve so much success. The Patriots work around every single player on that offense and make it all connect perfectly for what we’ve known for decades. Bill Bellichick and Josh Mcdaniels have certain ways about them that create these factors. With Newton on the team, this shouldn’t change anything, and I believe that’s why we see Newton being goal driven and so optimistic to work with the Patriots this season.

On the Patriots, Newton knows that his personal success means nothing. What makes the Patriots stick out is the teamwork. Now obviously I know every team of course has strong teamwork, but yet again and again the Patriots show that theirs is like no other. The Pats make success of utilizing every single position on the field. That means utilizing every receiver, tight end, lineman, and even the quarterback. What this means is that, if Cam Newton comes into the Patriots offense knowing that he has so many options to choose from every play, he could be a huge success. Newton can change the whole scheme of that offense to turn around him and ruin what was once an amazing amount of success. What Newton can also do, is tweak the offense and form with it, creating a scary scenario of a huge quarterback with great running sense, observational awareness, and the ability to spread the field like no other. Let’s hope it’s the latter.

I feel strongly as though Newton feels he has something to prove. With a contract that isn’t worth much, and the thought of knowing that he has to work harder than ever before, Cam Newton May be able to improve his biggest weaknesses and shine like never before. Given the fact that The patriots have now lost crucial lineman for the season, I believe this season will be the true groundbreaking year for Newton as he shows the true potential he holds to carry a team to victory, or to be left out to dry.

Welcome To The Joe Kelly Fight Club

Los Angeles Dodgers Pitcher Joe Kelly has recently been suspended 8 games for throwing behind Houston Astros players Alex Bregman and Carlos Correa. Which is funny, because now the MLB is protecting the Astros, after catching them cheating and letting all the Astros players get by with absolutely no punishments. So Rob Manfred and the MLB are now being children and are going to punish every single retaliation to the Astros. Absolutely unacceptable.

The Astros got caught stealing signs. THEY KNEW EVERY PITCH!!! The evidence is clear as day and the MLB handled it terrible. The Astros organization lied, tried to cover up evidence, and fabricated stories every step of the way, and yet every player was given immunity. And now, retaliation against the Astros (which is very personal throughout the league) is not going to be accepted.

I side with Joe Kelly here and I hope he appeals the hell out of this suspension. I am appalled that the MLB would issue such a harsh penalty when neither player was even hit. Since the punishments were handed out and avoided for the Astros, players have been very vocal of their feelings towards the Astros players getting by without any serious penalties. The retaliations were expected this season and Joe Kelly has been at the fore front of this catastrophe. Joe Kelly is now on the Dodgers, who currently despise the Astros for their scandalous wins while cheating. To add to the the matter Joe Kelly was a part of the Red Sox, which was already a heated rivalry with the Astros before the cheating scandals. Joe Kelly deserves to be set free and when he is, I hope he comes out swinging.

I hope Joe Kelly comes out of this suspension swinging. Bring us the fire and don’t fuck with Joe Kelly. If the MLB is gonna play childish, at least let Joe Kelly throw some shade. Joe Kelly helped re-ignite the Red Sox-Yankees rivalry. He was a god for the Red Sox. The “don’t give a fuck” attitude is exactly what we need in the MLB, especially from a pitcher. Joe Kelly is an MLB god who isn’t afraid to say shit like it is and call out problems that need fixing. Him throwing at Bergman and Correa was the perfect response that “even though the season was shortened, we didn’t forget what you guys did, and this shows how much we hate you”. It’s the perfect scenario to remind everyone watching, and everyone in the MLB that we still hate the Astros and we all want to watch them burn. Show us what you got Joe.

Joe Kelly Has the Largest Set of Rocks of Any Man, Ever

Okay, so the lead photo doesn’t do my statement any justice, but if you’re from Boston you love this man.

Joe Kelly reignited the rivalry between the Sox and Yankees with one pitch.

Well… one pitch and a few punches, but you get the idea right?

It’s not often that you see a relief pitcher stand out on the Sox, but Joe Kelly was an ICON in Boston. He was the first relief pitcher I was sad to see leave.

Fast forward to the Astros and everyone hating their existence and us restarting the season.

Joe Kelly wasn’t on the Dodgers in 2017. He was on the Red Sox. Could there be some hatred there from a 3-1 series? I’d say no, but I’m not Joe. He pulled this move last night as a clear rebuttal to the trash can bangers.

Kinda loses the effect without a crowd cheering and jeering.

I want to point out, this was Joe’s only strike out that night. Before that, he walked Bregman and buckled another hitter.

Good ol’ Joe decided to slam his massive nuts on the table and make the Astros stare with envy.

I can’t pretend like I’d do any different. If I struck out a toddler, I’d still strut around like I was a golden god. I’d make that diaper wearing fuck realize how dominant I am on the mound. (Spoiler: not very dominant.)

I love the taunt and celebration from you Joe, but maybe next time get one more strike out before you start taunting the Buzzers aka the Houston ASStros.

Dan Snyder and The Washington R̶e̶d̶s̶k̶i̶n̶s̶ Football team is a Bunch Of SIMPS

Washington. Dan Snyder. Are you serious? Have you ever heard “doing nothing can be as worse as causing harm”?

People have been waiting for you to change your problematic name for weeks and you decide to go with The Washington Football team?

Red Wolves, Red Tails, Sentinels, I mean shit call yourselves the indigenous people anything but the Football Team.

That’s like what happens when you get a sports video game with no rights to use team names.

You know what strikes fear in the hearts of other teams? The Football team of Washington. They announced this the same day that Seattle decided to call themselves the Kraken. That is Badass. The Washington Football team? Dumb. You got beat by Seattle….

Dan Snyder is the dude at the bar who talks to all the hot girls but then gets rejected and goes home to give him self some “self love”.

Is this because of the real estate agent that trademarked the names? You decided to settle because you’re too stubborn to pay the man?

Dan, you’re a simp. Sell the team, name it something cool and Ohh yeah HAVE A WINNING SEASON!

The One BIG Shining Issue with the Sports “Bubble”

We are just around the corner from the return of sports and I can’t wait. I went from a desolate desert of dumb re-runs to having my brain force fed like a fat kid eating pudding.

Weird mental imagery, sorry, but sports are back! Which is great for us as fans, but what about players? Some have already opted out (like the entire Nets starting 5), but others are ready to go!

There’s just one problem. One big shining issue.

The players are locked into a hotel California type of deal where they can’t leave except to practice and play. Most leagues will be in this bubble for a couple of months. With limited contact from family members, including significant others.

Do you understand that I’m getting at yet? No? Okay, if you aren’t 18 or are easily set off by random people on the Internet please turn around and read any of my other articles or look at the kitten below.

Okay, for those of you that are left, hi! How are you? Good? That’s good!

Let’s be honest here guys I’m going to put this simply, we be horny. We aren’t even athletes, athletes are notorious for getting in trouble with sex scandals and cheating. What exactly is preventing them from going out in Florida and having some fun?

These leagues are begging the athletes to break the bubble and go out. So, what’s the solution?

I see two paths, you can either claim ignorance and ban players for every minor “incident.” Boring. The James path is better for the fans.

I say, tighten up security, lock that shit up like Fort Knox. The players will get pent up frustration because of this, tell the refs to ease up on personal fouls and let the athletes go at it.

Sounds backwards, but I want more basketball fights, sorry hockey but y’all know how to fight. I want some bad punches from basketball stars. Throw Mark Cuban in there with a steel chair and you’ve got pure entertainment.

You’re welcome America.

Did the Red Sox Draft a Member of Team Globo Gym?

Old reference, I know, but it’s all I could think of when I saw the Red Sox Select… wait for it… Blaze Jordan.

The Sox picked up the 17 year old in the draft. He has already committed to Mississippi State. I honestly would’ve expected blaze to come from California. It sounds like the name of the cool but misunderstood surfer guy in every 90s teen movie.

Before we dig into the stats and why he’s a good baseball player, you need to know why he’s named Blaze. There isn’t a great grandfather Blaze, no no. His dad thought Blaze would be a cool Football name. If that isn’t the most Mississippi thing I’ve ever heard.

Blaze is a lot of human at 6’2 220 pounds and it shows in his swing. He won a home run derby at age 11 when he hit a ball 395 feet. To reiterate, he was 11. I am 25 and if I swing too hard at the batting cage I need three days of rest.

Fast forward to Blaze at 13, where he hit two home runs at 500 feet. This kid has power and a lot of it.

Part of his tremendous swing can be connected back to Boston. He shared a batting coach with former Red Sox Star, Mookie Betts.

Blaze has the potential to be the MLBs next great hitter. He clearly has the swing, but he needs some time to develop. In his scouting report, analyst have said that his lack of quickness and below average arm strength are better suited for first base.

Blaze will progress beautifully and become a future Red Sox Star, our system has done a great job at developing talent and I think Blaze will be Chaim Bloom’s first great pick as the Red Sox Chief Baseball Officer.

University Of Maine Won the Schedule Announcement Battle

Lately, Universities have made a point of pushing awesome and hilarious schedule releases.

This year, UMaine entered the chat. Instead of putting something flashy together, they put an athletic specimen on the announcement.

They decided to feature offensive lineman Liam Dobson in all of his Canadian glory.

His Instagram bio sums up everything you should know about this stud.

To cap this whole thing off, he is number 69. Does it get any better? Don’t pretend like you’re too good to laugh at 69. You’re not, you’re a grown child, maybe a literal child. WHY DID YOUR PARENTS ALLOW YOU ON HERE?

Bad parenting aside, hats off to UMaine and Liam Dobson for having an amazing sense of humor.

#bouncebackbaker


Bitch, real G’s move in silence like lasagna.”

That quote is from the famous 21st century philosopher Lil’ Wayne and it is now the call for Baker Mayfield’s offseason.

My man has been declining interviews and hopefully advertising after a Jameis Winston stat line last year.

It was so hard watching them lose last year and in between having to see him in Progressive ads.

This offseason is different, Baker is keeping silent and working his ass off to return to rookie form in a pivotal third year. For rookies, this is essentially their contract year. If they don’t show up after year three, they don’t stay around long.

The Browns have put full faith in Baker. They got rid of Freddie( thank god), brought in two very talented offensive linemen in Conklin and Willis Jr, and all of his weapons appear to be healthy.

James…this is your blog brain I know what you’re thinking, do not do it. You do this every year, you’re just going to embarrass yourself.

Gosh blog brain, maybe your right….

SIKE

FACT: THE BROWNS ARE HAVING THE BIGGEST BOUNCE BACK YEAR AND ARE MAKING THE PLAYOFFS.

It honestly feels good to have my dumb football brain back. Cheers my fellow fans, to blind optimism. Oh, and to my fellow Browns fans let’s be prepared to drink heavily, for better or worse.

FC Seoul Put Sex Dolls in the Stands Immediately Apologizes

As sports fans, we are all facing the reality that we may not be able to attend sporting events.

With that, teams are getting creative with ways to give a stadium environment. You know what isn’t the answer? Filling the stadium with sex dolls.

FC Seoul did just that in their opening match against Gwangju FC. I’ve never felt more like a white American more than when I tried pronouncing Gwangju.

Yeah. Didn’t stick the landing on that one.

Anyway, this didn’t go over well and Asia’s version of Karen’s complained.

Seoul claimed that the manufacturer told them that they weren’t sex dolls and. We’re intended for mannequins. I don’t know what’s going on in Asia, but I’ve never seen a mannequin with “holes.” Someone had to notice that while they were dressing them.

Ignore the fact that they’re sex dolls, Seoul did their best to make it safe. They were all socially distanced and wearing masks. Honestly, the only use for a clothed sex doll seems like a stadium filler.