I am a huge fan of stadium gimmicks. The slide in Miller Park, the Ray Tank in Tampa (even if they are the “Sun” Rays it’s an indoor stadium, fuck you and your “Sun” Rays), or the Marlins home run statue (RIP). The best gimmick in sports belongs to the Jaguars and Diamondbacks.
These two teams understand that the best way to watch sports, is in a pool. Fact: it is hot in Jacksonville and Phoenix. I mean Phoenix is named after a bird that burns its self down to be born again. The disappointing part is that they are so damn expensive. To get into the pool in Phoenix, it’ll cost you north of $4,750 for a 35 game package. That’s dumb. Plain and simple. The Jags pool prices are worse. You can get a pool side cabana for $12,500. I wish I had money to throw around for that, but my bank account gives me the ability to watch illegal streams of Red Zone in a kiddie pool.
These prices are insane for teams that are god awful, but your old pal James is here with some solutions. First, give me Tailgate pools. I want the parking lots of the NFL to have Olympic pools as far as the eye can see. Right about now, you’re saying, “James this sounds awful and disgusting. Why do you want this?” Well, I want to bring water entertainment to the proud people of America (and England for a few games a year). If the cost of this is a giant pool, full of gross piss and random people, that is a sacrifice I am willing to make for the sake of the stadium pool.
Second solution, Bring pools to cold cities. GIVE ME HEATED POOLS IN BUFFALO. I need to see Bills Mafia with pools. If the city is worried about them jumping through tables, fund pools for the loyal Bills fans. Give these poor people Jacuzzis or Heated Pools. What about Green Bay? You could just fill a pool with warm queso and I promise you, those tickets will sell out and that pool will be filled with human nacho chips.
Solution Tres (I’m feeling exotic after typing queso), dunk tank. So, this one doesn’t really help the fans cool off, but think about it this way. So many teams have awful GMs or owners. PUT THEM IN THE DUNK TANK. Fuck it, Fill it with cheese (back to American English). Fill it with anything, let these fans get their frustrations out. Give the money to charity. I am a marketing genius, someone hire me.
We don’t need statues, or anything else in stadiums. We don’t even need good sports. All the fans should demand is pools. Trade all your first round picks for the next three years, for a pool in your home stadium.